john . syd . 19 . IG: jahnayeee
I left my last therapy session with one final task
I’m not quite sure what it is about me that is good, I look for a better me through others.
When I can’t find the better me or can’t have it, I get irritated, upset and annoyed.
It’s such a stupid thing because it’s rightfully mine. I shouldn’t be looking for recognition within others, it’s all in me. I just need to see it for my self.
I may not have completed a degree in my tertiary education but I’m currently doing my finals at life university.
Sounds stupid I know.
But I’m different this year, not sure where I am and what it is that I am.
Why do I have to put myself in such a situation?
Im not quite sure
"It’s fine, I’m used to it."
Isn’t it sad, admitting that? You’re use to being hurt, played, cheated on, taken for granted, backstabbed, etc., To the point where nothing really seems to matter to you anymore. To the point where it seems like no one cares about your feelings and thoughts. And to the point where you know someone hurt you so much, your last reply is “it’s fine, I’m used to it.”
It was like being exhumed, I answered, and brought to life in a flash of brilliance.
What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.
It was like being seen after a perpetual darkness, I replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.
What was it like to lose him? Asked Sorrow. There was a long pause before I responded:
It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me—said all at once."
Maybe we’ll meet again one day when you’re not so broken and I’m not so jealous. Maybe one day we’ll be right for each other and it won’t be so hard for you to love me. I really hope that one day we’ll reconnect because no one has ever caught my heart in quite the same way.
But that day isn’t today. Today, you’re too broken and I’m too pushy. Today we don’t quite work out and as much as I care for you, I can’t keep pretending that we do.
So I’m saying goodbye. But maybe one day, I won’t have to."